Understanding 2e Identity Fluidity

In this episode of the Gifted Neurodivergent Child Podcast, I dive into the swirling world of identity—gender identity, to be precise—mixing it up with neurodivergence. 

I’ll take you through a rather lame roller coaster ride understanding how my gender fluidity is cognitive rather than physical.
How society’s rigid expectations messes with our self-image, and the everyday puzzles that come with a neurodivergent mind. 
I spotlight the often overlooked smarts of the body—yes, your body knows things!—and give a thumbs down to how schools and society try to put a lid on our natural quirks. 
I champion a world where the oddballs get to write their own rules, pushing the magic of empathy and the strength found in real, deep connections. 
I share a slice of my personal life, showcasing my marriage as a prime example of finding that one person who gets you, no assembly required. 
So, buckle up for a call to healthy. Let’s break free from boxes and build a haven for the neurodivergent and their loved ones.

00:00 Introduction to the Podcast and Identity Exploration
00:03 Navigating Gender Identity and Societal Expectations
00:16 Personal Journey Through Gender and Identity
01:20 Challenging Traditional Views on Gender and Sexuality
01:55 Embracing Neurodivergence and Cognitive Diversity
07:52 The Power of Deep Emotional Connections
10:52 Redefining Success and Building Community
17:53 Empowering the Next Generation of Outliers
22:11 Conclusion and Invitation for Engagement

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Transcript

Understanding the Fluid Identity of 2e

Lillian: [00:00:00] Hello, everyone. Welcome to the gifted neurodivergent child podcast.

I want to talk about identity, specifically gender identity, but really your full identity. I want to give you another option or a different way to look at it. A middle road, maybe is the best way to say it. I come from a family who has muddy gender identity. 

We don't personally buy into any of it. I don't. I have not done that for my children. We haven't really struggled with our gender identity, although I did as a kid. I'm going to go a little bit more into that, because I think it's important for you to see what it's like when you're not clear.When it's unsure. 

I think the environment today has made it even harder for children like me who were not clear as to what their gender was supposed to be when they were a teen. Because they got such mixed messages. Because they were an extreme outlier. 

I personally go by they/them. While I do feel like a woman in my body. As a child, I was questioning whether or not I should have been a boy. I [00:01:00] am very tall. I'm six foot tall and I have an athletic build. What I thought as a child was this extreme athletic build turns out to be no, I'm not actually I have a feminine, athletic build, but I didn't know that as a kid. Because what the heck the kids know about sexual and gender identity. You're pulling it off the television and right now, if you're looking at the TV, you're getting this implant filled body on all extremes. 

 Our children are being given a distorted view of sexuality. Between men and women, we've got men with extreme rippling muscles, and we have boys going into more and more eating disorders. We have girls with bodies that are implanted at the breasts , the hips and the butt. That is not, the vast majority of us, how we are made. 

Definitely not me. I look like something out of the nineties. Thankfully I didn't grow up in this era. It would be even worse for me now. I would be so messed up in the way I was supposed to look. I would be even more distraught thinking I needed to be like a boy. I really want you to understand this part because this is why they're so confused physically. 

Now, mentally I have the autistic male brain logic. I am [00:02:00] incredibly logical. I also have the female somatic intelligence, psychic giftedness because my somatic intelligence is so high. I know things that I shouldn't know. That freaks people out all the way around it, because not only am I extremely logical, but I'm extremely emotionally in touch with people and I know what their patterns are . 

I really didn't know what I was supposed to do with myself. I thought, maybe if I became a man, I would be more comfortable. But it didn't matter if I became a man or a woman and I still go by, they, them for other people so that they know what they're about to get hit with, because I don't actually care about my gender identity.  It's not important to me. 

When I was a child. I was trying to figure out how I fit into the world. It turns out I don't. But not fitting into the world is not an option in our systems. It was even less of an option back in the nineties . So I had to figure out something and I really looked at every single option, I could. I see a lot of kids doing this as well. They're not sure who they are. We come out with higher complexity and that [00:03:00] results in us not being clear on what gender is defined as by our system, that gender definitions are stupid. They don't exist. 

It's like a sliding scale. Even though my brain is one way, my body is another way. That doesn't compute in people's brains. They don't know that we have two different kinds of intelligence. They don't know that they're supposed to connect and when they connect your healthy, but also you are very different because I am not all man or a woman. 

I am female in my physical form, but I do have a brain that is mostly cognitive. And that is how most men present, not women. Why women don't present that way. It's probably because they're forced not to be. I definitely felt that forcing not to be, but mine is so high. I didn't get a choice.

 I also have some friends who have transitioned and then rolled back on it. That was very painful and they are very angry about it. I don't blame them because nobody is telling them that your gender identity is not [00:04:00] true. That it's contrived and our system doesn't have two people that we are born all different ways. That we should be allowing people to just exist. At whatever the heck they want those of us with high somatic intelligence, we come across this childlike. We also, if you're men come across as feminine, if I did not have high somatic intelligence, that was slightly higher than my cognitive. I'd be very much more masculine to people, but I do have enough of it that they will be like, wow, you really are different. 

I am. I'm the extreme person. I'm an extreme outlier. I am both incredibly feminine and masculine and it's funny because my body pulls this off. It is super tall. I have broad shoulders, but it's very feminine. That is a weird thing. It's a very weird thing to other people, but by going by, they them. I am acceptable to them and I am comfortable with that . 

What I feel about gender identity. It has very little value because who I am is unique and different. If you know that I'm going by, they them and I present to you and I'm pretty feminine. You're going to go something's up with you and they won't have any expectations. That's really the ideal gift [00:05:00] is that nobody has any expectations of anyone, because that is healthy.

By not having expectations of me you will more graciously act when I am struggling to have the appropriate response, because you have given me something I don't have in my cognitive or somatic memory, they've given me something novel and my brain is processing it. 

They say that's a lack of theory of the mind. I don't lack theory of the mind. I want to scream when people pull that crap out of their bag and tell me such things, stop trying to define me. What I actually have is incredibly high intelligence in both levels. They're competing for a chance, but they connect in the areas that I know, and I've established.

But when I'm giving new information that I don't know, my brain will literally go for my cognitive and say, what do you know about this? Nothing. Then it will reach into my body and find my somatic intelligence will say, what do you know about this? And I'll bring up examples. I will be processing that for the next two days, depending on how shocking or different it was. 

But this is an [00:06:00] experience of being with somebody new. Instead of me looking at you and going, what's wrong with you? I am taking the part that would make most people uncomfortable because you've introduced them to something that's new. I have put it on myself and received it for myself. 

I am taking the bulk of the work and doing it in all of my relationships. Then our system double downs on that and says, not only am I supposed to do that, I'm supposed to read your mind. I'm supposed to know all of these instances, but you who's following a script and not bothering to even try to do it because I'm not following your script. Therefore I am broken and you are superior. 

No wonder our kids want to be different. No wonder they want to change themselves. No wonder they're looking to be anybody, but to be who they are. 

Since we have had people researching us who really aren't gifted, I would say up until Dr. Linda Silverman. We have not really been seen as we are. We've been BF Skinner behavioralism from the outside. We don't do a very good job of doing that on animals. So why would they do very good job on doing what with the outliers. [00:07:00] We should have outliers defining themselves. That is what my whole goal has been with this podcast. The outliers should define themselves. 

 I don't worry about the labels that we are told define those of us with neurodivergence. I see us as the very high creatives. We move through the world differently because we have to create things. We are the ones who figure out when things change a lot. 

 Right now the reason they're identifying us and giving us all these labels is they can apply us into slots later when the change is so great. But guess what? They're going to do it in the worst, most horrible way possible. Creatives need to be free to see the big picture to fix the problem. 

So I don't see that working and I'm trying to build something that will. I'm going to start by defining myself here and I'm going to define my own sexuality because it isn't like anything they say it's nebulous. 

I don't really care about your sex. I know beautiful, wonderful people, and I love them deeply. Sexuality is really almost irrelevant. It's about the person. I would never need or want to be in a [00:08:00] relationship with someone who's average, no matter how beautiful they are. 

I think I am heterosexual, but I don't really know because I don't even care to. It's about the person I'm connecting with. I have such a wonderful husband that I have no desire to connect with anyone else in this way. I'm pretty solid. I met them young. 

I met them in my twenties. This has been the one person for me. I have dated a few other people. I got married very young in my teens. They were not for me. Because I met somebody who was really my match emotionally and has enough feminine high somaticness in his own way, but also is incredibly cognitive. I feel lucky every day that I have somebody who can see me and love me as deeply as I do them. 

 I think that is really what drives my ability to connect with others. I think it is about that. I would never even consider another person because my husband is so wonderful. I love that deeply. We love that deeply. That is a gift. I don't really understand why people wouldn't want to see it that way. But I think most [00:09:00] people are not capable of the love that I give or he gives. I think that I surround myself with people who are. We would never even impose in that way because we know that our connections are so great. 

We're literally like swans. We pick one mate and we stay forever.. I don't think there's even a sexuality for that. Our marriage is perfect because we meet each other where we're at. I've never been given that before. We give that to our children and we give that to our friends and we give that as a whole unit and I would never want to break that up. 

I would never want to end what we give each other and everyone that we come in contact with. We love deeply. So , why would I bother wasting my energy or time on ever changing anything when it is already so beautiful and good. 

 I think I'm attracted to people who are wonderful and kind and deep. If they can love that way. I will love them that way. But my partner is the only person I will even try to love that way. That might sound ridiculous or illogical, but if you're walking around with a child who has my level of emotional empathy. Then you're walking around with a child who's quite [00:10:00] possibly like that. And they're confused by that. 

I was confused by that because I really didn't know what I was supposed to be, but now I realize I was supposed to be looking for a really rare, person whose intensity of love and caring was as equal as mine. 

Not what they looked like. Not what profession they had, not how much money they had , not what kind of car they drove. Nothing our society says. Was the reason to pick your spouse. The reason you pick your spouse is because they are the person that you will never get sick of. That they see you. They love you where you're at. They find your idiosyncrasies adorable, and they will keep coming back to have a friendship with you. Because marriage is hard. Life is hard and it's only getting harder and you need somebody who's got your back through thick and thin. 

It's a war out there. If you don't have somebody who's going to come home and build you up and help you get solid and straight, you're going to have really hard life. I want to build a community of people like that because can you imagine how beautiful would be if we had relationship like that. Then we went outside and our neighbors were like that. That would be [00:11:00] beautiful. I think that's what we're all supposed to be, but we've been broken by our society so we focused on stupid stuff . What I want you to be is free. What I want you to be is a child who grows up knowing that you can be whatever you want to be. 

 You can be none or all, and it will still be acceptable. Then you will settle into what you were really supposed to be, or what is most healthy and natural for you and none of it will matter. Because the person who loves you will love you for whatever evolution you are going through because it's the end goal together that you will achieve. 

There's a reason why some of us have these fairytale relationships. Because our cognitive empathy and our affective empathy come together and create such high, compassionate empathy that we see people for, who they are at a soul level. That is how we exist. You would want to tell your child, I think that more than you would about their physical or sexuality, that's a beautiful thing. I think we're missing that really key point. 

When we take this down to such a low level, [00:12:00] you end up teaching your child that it's really about the physical. When I was taught that as a child, my parents had a lot of extra marital affairs, they were constantly switching spouses. There was none that I could see that was healthy. That love or relationships were something that were ever going to pay off for me. 

I don't want to go too far into my first marriage, because it was pretty horrific and I didn't go into it because I was in love. I went into it because I had no clue what love was. I think that's key. You have to teach your children what love is. Then sexuality is a part of their identity. 

Love is a part of their full being and not an identity, but rather the union of identities. I think it's important that we be clear that if your child's struggling with their sexuality, they realize that this is something that somebody who's meant for them will love deeply, and it will not be an issue. 

That what they're trying to do is actually find where they're comfortable moving through the world and that's the goal of sexuality. Sexuality it's contrived. There are many sexes. There are people who are [00:13:00] both. There are people who are neither. Literally we have variation and spectrum in that. Yes, they're the outliers. But if your child is struggling with this, they're probably an outlier and the goal is to find connection . Being an outlier if you can embrace it and find healthy. Is a gift because then you find the other healthy, beautiful, wonderful, deeply loving, unconditional full empathy people like you and you build those healthy relationships. 

We live in a society that doesn't value people who have compassionate empathy. It doesn't value empathy at all. It values people who are psychopathic. Who will cut throat for any way to win. Now we are manifesting the full, disgusting nature of that and it's destroying the world. 

 By going into your child's deep empathy and allowing them to see that and cultivating it, you are making the world a better place. You are not setting them up to be broken. This is why we're building community. Brilliance, when it is unleashed will protect you from everything. I am so much better off than my family who has not decided to embrace [00:14:00] their full sensitivity. 

 I am able to access the full genius and capacity that I have. Now I teach other people to do this because it is in our sensitivity that we find our best and most beautiful selves, and we can find that in others. Our systems use us. They abuse us. They oppress us because they need us to be at the lowest level so they can harness us. 

We are not meant to be in the system. We are not meant to be under the constraints of it. Our creativity needs to be free and that's where we will be healthy. That's where we will produce and we will find our full potential. But they devalue it so that they can harness it. Unfortunately, this is the outcome. It is the devaluing of the most beautiful kind and generous people and removing them from leadership that leads to the downfall.

If you don't teach them about this. If you don't introduce this to them and they never find it. Then they're going to be like the people who are trying to bring other people down to the pain, they felt they're going to be like my parents. 

I want you to see that. There's [00:15:00] another way I want you to see that there's a beautiful way and that beautiful way is full acceptance of the self and others that you love.

What we feel and do and be is going to be unique to us. I don't think we should be trying to put these labels like our system does on us all the time, because we're the extremes. 

If you're already in this process with your child. Then I asked that you think about. Where is it coming from and ask your child to think about that? Is this something that's coming from? the inside or the outside? If your child doesn't know they're inside from their outside. Then you're going to have a lot more trouble . This is something that our schools do to condition us to fit into the system is they suppress our somatic intelligence. But when you have an outlier child, who's somatic intelligence is brilliance. You're destroying half of their intelligence and you're forcing them into the other. If their somatic intelligence is slightly higher, because they're like me and they're savant, then you're wearing that child out in their cognitive. 

Then they have their somatic coming up and they only feel all the emotions they've been pressing down and they feel like they're losing their minds. We [00:16:00] have to address our emotions. They're part of our intelligence, we have to use them. They're the outside picture. They're the big picture. They're all your patterns . Your emotions have a very distinct purpose. We know this. If you read, Dr. Lisa Feldman Barrett. . She has a book on emotions, called how emotions are made. If you read her research, you'll notice that our emotions have a purpose. They're different for each person. If you read Antonio Damasio's research, you'll notice he talks about autism and having higher somatic markers. This is very key. They are really underestimating how much the value of this is. 

The ones with emotions so high they're drowning in them. These are the children who are brilliant. They're somatic intelligence is high, and if they're doing decently in school, they're twice exceptional. Even if they're not doing decently in school, they could still be a savant. My father failed his 12th grade year of school in English. he's a music savant. He didn't come to his full fruition because the way the schools teach is not. somatic, it's cognitive and it's from the bottom up. I don't learn like that. 

I'm actually a top-down learner. If you give me the theory, my brain will [00:17:00] auto-populate from there. I do not need you to explain it to me. If you give me the theory, I can figure it out myself. That is savant ism. The savant will use their somatic intelligence and they may have very high cognitive intelligence and they will be invisible in the systems. 

They will be struggling. Because they are moving through the world in a completely different way. Our systems know this, they're aware of this, but it has been going on for 5,000 years. So they have forgotten what the value is. Those of us who are twice exceptional, our value for somatic, it's supposed to connect with our cognitive and our potential. All of a sudden goes to genius.

But it's suppressed in the system because they want to determine who is genius. They want to be the ones who are paid to teach you, and they want to teach you what they want you to know, because you're supposed to slot into the system. The most, those of us who are twice exceptional, you are not supposed to slot into the system. 

You are destined for greatness. If you don't allow the system to define you. 

These are the kids I want to build community around. You as their parent, I want you to lead the community. It shouldn't be me. I want the best [00:18:00] for you. What I'm trying to do is build community together so that we are all serving each other, because I do not want to be in charge of this. I can't handle that. It's too much. I don't believe in hierarchy. ,

The future, as we know it is a blank slate and your child already has this gift in them that they can redefine themselves to other things. That's going to be absolutely needed for them to be successful in the change coming. So we don't want to crush this in them. We want it to blossom . We went to let them grow in it. We want them to understand that this is them falling in love with themselves so that they can fall in love with others and others can fall in love with them and it can be beautiful. They can find their Swan partner. They can have a relationship that lasts the longterm. 

 For this particular space for your child, let them be the one who defines them. I am not pushing on my children, what their sexuality is. I asked them if they want to talk about it, mostly they don't. So what I do as I have openness to it all. I say you figure it out for yourself. If they call me and ask me, is this appropriate? I don't tell [00:19:00] them what to do because their heart's involved. Not mine. 

They're going to go through their evolution. They're going to grow. They're going to see their building patterns on people in the world. It's not for me to decide which ones they get to build it's for them because they need to run themselves out. 

The twice exceptional have a very unique path or a very unique life. They are both gifted somatically and gifted cognitively. Those two come together and they are the ones who can see most deeply the world in many ways. Wherever their empathy lies is where you will find there giftedness in the world. 

You have to let them evolve and figure out where they're going to be and go and do because they will change the world in because the world is changing. Therefore they will be adapting to that change. Their ability to mental model is what we need more than anything else in the world. 

 We have to help them grow healthy so that they can get there and be fully able to adjust to what's coming and then get in front of it and help the rest of the world. We [00:20:00] are building these communities so that they have peers. So that they can bounce off of them, whether or not they're crazy because this is a real thing for us. 

We don't know what other people think of it because other people don't think like we do. Nobody really thinks like we do we need each other, so we can be validated and allowed to grow to our full potential.

So this is my hot take on our identities, our gender identities, our identities as a whole, really. Because I want you to understand that they are huge for us, that we are going to cycle through so many identities in our lifetime until we create our own unique one. They're not going to fit in to what is an expectation. 

We have to allow them a completely blank slate on every level to be whatever is necessary because that's what our future is going to call for. Our children are going through the process they're supposed to go through. 

If you allow your child to go through their process, if you give them an environment, that's not destroying them where they can hear their own internal dialogues and they can go back and forth [00:21:00] between their cognitive and somatic, and they really can grow and develop themselves. You're producing a child who's healing from trauma. 

Who's going to grow and . Trauma healed is your greatest teacher. So your child can turn around and come back better for the situation. If they're allowed to heal, healing is key. Our systems do not allow us to heal. They prevent us by keeping our emotions and intellect separate.. 

If you allow your child to be healed, they will be so much more aware of what the whole understanding of it was. I may not be in a relationship with my parents, but what I do value from them is that all of their errors have saved me from having to repeat mine. 

 Because I am free, because I freed myself, I am able to heal move forward. I want you to maintain your relationship with your children. I have done this and I've maintained my relationship with my children. My children range from an elementary school kid to a kid that's in graduate school. I have that full gamut. 

 I know that the best thing I ever did [00:22:00] was allow them to be who they were. I can't think of a greater purpose for me then trying to figure out how to make the world a better place and my children better for it.

That's it for my podcast today. Thank you for listening. I hope this was valuable. And if you have any questions, please feel free to go out to my website www.giftednd.com. 

That's G I F T E D N D .com. 

Take care.